The Wilhelms, est. 2000: Delivery Man

Quote of the Day

Elijah: Mom, Who are you going to marry when you grow up?
Mom: I am already married! I am married to Daddy.
E: No. WHEN YOU GROW UP. THEN who are you going to marry?
Mom: I am grown up! And I already married Daddy!
E: UGGGHHHH! NO! Who are you going to marry??
Mom: Elijah, I already married Daddy and you can only get married one time.
E: Wait. WHAT?
...Guess he was planning out his list of wives??

Noah: Mom, what happens when you drink holy water?

Me: um...nothing? (long pause) but that doesn't mean you can drink it!

N: why not?!?

Me: well, um, for 1 it's probably really germy, at least if it's in the font. J

onah: oh...good point! (he's my germophobe in training, sorry Bryan.)
N: and for 2?
Me: um...well...
N: I mean, what would happen? Will it just make you holy? (i wish! I'd be feeding ...it to Selah by the gallon!)

Me: no...

N: so why can't we drink it?

Me: um...because..

Selah: I'm hungry, may I have something to eat?

Me: No, I'm starting dinner.

Selah: What are we having?

Me: French toast. Does that sound good?

Selah: Um, no. I'd rather have candy. I like candy better.

Micah: MOM! STOP!

Me: What's wrong Micah?

Micah: I see a stop sign! You have to stop!

Me:That stop sign is for the other people. But, thanks.

(By the third time in one trip, I was a bit frustrated. Nice of him to try to help, though!)

Selah: I only eat those on Saturday.

Bryan: It IS Saturday.

Selah: Ohhh....

Selah: Well, the thing is, Mommy, if I bring you the bag, there will be nothing in it.

Me: Well, where's all the stuff that was in it?

Selah: In my pile.

Me: Well, where's your pile?

Selah: In the entryway BUT DON'T LOOK, MOMMY! I will bring it to you.

Me: You will bring everything in the pile?

Selah: (Pause) I will bring 2 things. DO NOT COME IN THE ENTRYWAY!

Me: How about you bring me all the things? You can put them in your wagon!

Selah: How about I bring you TWO. And don't look.

Selah: Daddy, all I want for Christmas is guns.

Bryan: Guns?? Who will you shoot with them?

Selah: YOU!

Bryan: I'm not buying you guns to shoot me with!

Selah: Yep. You are. YOU are going to buy me guns and I am going to shoot you.

(Well, the thing is, she's probably right.)

Mom:Mikey, do you want your medicine?

Selah: I DO! And I WON'T choke and die!

Selah wraps her arm around Micah and says, "my little brother is scared!"

Mom: Scared of whom? You?

Selah: YEP!

(Rightly so, in my opinion.)

Selah: May I have an apple, Mom?

Mom: Sure.

Selah: K. It's scared 'cause I'm gonna EAT IT!

Noah: We're pretending to be saints, Mom! I'm St. Peter and Jonah is St. Jonah. Even though there isn't a St. Jonah. It's okay. We're only pretending anyway.

(I'm telling you, Noah should be a priest. Pretending to be St. Peter and all. And I could see there being a St. Jonah in a hundred years or so...he's a good kid!)

Selah: I'm gonna grow up! I'm gonna grow up!

Mom: Yes, but there is no need to panic, it happens to the best of us.

Selah: My stomach hurts! I'm gonna grow up!

(Oh....THROW up. Now that's a different story. Thanks for the warning.)

Noah: Jonah, for some reason, when I'm eating, I don't use my left hand. I only use my right!

Jonah: Umm, yeah. Well, you are right handed so you (probably) only use your right hand to do most things!

(And a long discussion between the two ensured over breakfast. I love homeschooling!)

We were having City Chicken for dinner: Noah: May I have some more chicken, please? Dad: It's pork, but sure. Noah: No. It's chicken. City Chicken. Dad: No, it's pork. It's just called city chicken. Noah: What?? (He never did get why it was called chicken when it was pork, even after we explained where the name came from!) Selah: Look! It's a peach mango! Mom: A what?? Selah: A PEACH MANGO!! SEE? It was a pink flamingo. While trying to put Selah's pjs on backwards to prevent her removing her diaper.... "NO! It's on backwards! Put it this way!" Guess that's not going to work anymore. Jonah: Did you just call her just to say hi?? Mom: Well, pretty much. Jonah: Is that why people call you?? Mom: Sometimes. And Sometimes they call because they have a question or something important to say. Jonah: Is that why they invented the cell phone? So people could call people just to say hi? (Is he a male or what? This whole conversation he has this incredulous tone like this is the most ridiculous reason to call someone ever. Like father, like son?) Me: I doubt it. I think they probably invented it so people could get ahold of people in an emergency or when something is really important. Noah: We don't even HAVE a cell phone! Jonah: YES WE DO! Noah: Where? Jonah: MOM'S phone! Noah: THAT'S a cell phone? Oh. (It's just that normal these days, I guess.) Selah's always telling us what other people (especially Micah) and things want or need. This morning she threw her plate away. When I pulled it out of the trash she screamed and informed me: "Him wants to go in the trash! HIM WANTS TO GO IN THE TRASH!!" Right. My bad. Noah: That is the library. It's where you keep your lies and your berries. Mom: What kind of room do you guys want when we move? Jonah: The biggest one. Mom: I MEANT design, Jonah. Jonah: Oh. From when Jesus was still alive. Mom: Really? What about you, Noah? Noah: From when Jesus was dead. I want a train depot. Noah: Sometimes, when you are really hungry, you have to bite like this. It makes your brain think you are eating. Driving home... Noah: Are we almost home? Dad: When you see the bike path, we are almost home. Noah: Are we almost to the bike path? Dad: When we get off the Interstate, we are almost to the bike path. Noah: Are we almost off the Interstate? After having just been sick and writing story problems for math... Jonah: I had 12 cookies. I threw up 9 of them. How many do I have left in me? While making Jell-O... Mom: Noah put the package on the counter before you accidentally spill it on the floor and I have a cow. Noah: Really? But I want to ride on the cow! (Pause) Where are you going to get it? Are you going to go to the farm to get it? Or the store? Selah woke up at 6:45 and Bryan was still home since he was going in late for a mission. I was already up and went to get her so Bryan could sleep in (she's in our closet and very loud.) By the time I had gotten in there, Bryan had already picked her up and she wasn't thrilled when I tried ot take her away. I was finally able to convince her to come play in the living room. After a few minutes she said, "DA DA? DA DA?" and went running off down the hall. I called after her that Daddy was still sleeping. She stopped, turned to look at me and calmly announced, "DONE!" and continued on her way. Noah: I know what happened to your lap. You were wrong, Mom, it didn't disappear! It was just hiding under your big belly. I'm glad it's back! (Me, too!!) Noah: I can't WAIT to buy a house! You know why? Becuase then when no one is sleeping we can run and stomp on the stairs! It won't bug the neighbors! (Great. As if life isn't loud enough already. He's PLANNING on being louder!) Noah:I don't want an inch of snow...I want FIFTY!!! Then we can build guard towers for our fort! Jonah: Yeah, like we did last year. Remember the fort with the igloo? Dad watered it and it turned to ice! Noah: No. I don't remember it. Did we build it for the penguins?

The Wilhelms, est. 2000

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Delivery Man

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